seek and you shall find.

Blues of a former Red - No pun intended.

2011-02-02T07:55:00.007+08:00

So I went to England with my father, we arrived at London. We had to be in Liverpool the next day for a business and on our way there, we stayed in a renthouse for a sleepover before continuing our journey.

In the morning, I realised we shared the house with a former Red star, who was on his way to London, I then went to his room and actually saw him packing up his stuff. I went to his table and saw a photo and I couldn't help but being sarcastic, "so this is a desk owned by someone who thinks he is still a Liverpool player". I saw him stood up, mad, trying to run against me. I stood still and walked slowly out of the room never looked back without a word.

I took my stuff out of my room, ready to put it in the car. I dropped by the player's room again. I saw a face of sulking and despair. I went to him to apologize, shook his hand and gave him a man-hug. I wished him good luck at Chelsea and that Liverpool fans will be missing him. He couldn't help it, he bursted into tears. I tried to calm him down by saying he's the champion of the world - referring to the 2010 World Cup, which was unrelated in any way. I immediately went out to the car.

The photo on the desk was a picture of the Liverpool squad and he was in the Red's jersey throughout the dream.

Some story

2010-08-15T10:48:00.002+08:00

Phase 1

So here’s how. My father, my brother and I went home from somewhere. I don’t know where we went to but that was how the story initiated. We then saw these contractors (two of them altogether) unloading materials for building houses and buildings, I finally figured out it was for us.

One of the workers was young but older than me and the other, I assume, was middle-aged. They worked really hard under the very hot sun. Eventually they were done. My brother insisted my father to give them some monetary tips. Thus, my dad took out $25 from his pocket - $10 for the young guy and the rest was given to the old one. But then the second guy was refusing to accept the tip and chasing my dad to return the money to him – we later found out that he was the boss and he didn’t need it.

After several failed attempts to give the money back, he simply put the money under a metal bar they unloaded earlier, hoping that one of my family members would take it at the end of the day. “Here, just take this $5..” that was from my dad to the old guy. Memajal, haha. If I am not mistaken, at that very moment, the young worker was sneaking as if I couldn’t see him – he was sneaking from our view (he assumed he was) taking the money his boss put under the metal bar.

When the contractors were about to leave, my dad pulled the middle-aged worker to the garage and they started to talk about buying a car! To put it simply – it’s about the worker’s car. And the trade was so fast that the deal was closed right there with cash exchange.

Phase 2

Finally, we decided to go home. Wait, I thought we were already home! I looked around.. no it actually wasn’t! We were someplace else – it was like a shopping complex. Before making our way to our car, my dad decided to go to the restaurant next door. It was only the two of us as my brother simply went somewhere else using his own car.

While waiting for my dad to finish his meal, I pulled out my handphone from my right-hand trousers’ pocket to text my girlfriend that I would be a bit late for home. But then, just when I was going to text her, her message got to me first – so I pressed the Unlock function on my phone to stop the loud ringtone. She said she was currently with his brother attending a wedding at Charcoal.. and she also commented that $7 was, in fact, a lot for a credit transfer (previously I mentioned to her that my father sent me that amount worth of handphone credits).

Phase 3

I was bored waiting for my father finishing his meal (because I wasn’t eating at all). I chose to get out of the restaurant to wander around outside the complex. I looked around and found McD! A new McD branch? Amazing! I went in and I saw my friend. He hid his face with his hands and I bursted into laughter. I approached him, he was with his friends eating martabak. I don’t know what to say. And I heard from him “kedapatan tia..” because he was supposed to be in KB but he went back to Brunei-Muara early without letting us know.

And then I saw this shop - it looked like a restaurant from the outside so I went in to figure out what it was. It was simply a place for people to relax. I saw an unoccupied seat and got myself there. On my left was a British-Indian guy appeared to be about 30+ years old. He was leaning back so relaxingly that it seemed he had no single problem at all in this world. And on my right was a Malay lady (also looking like she was 30+ years old) lying down facing downwards.

Phase 4

A moment later, I felt the lady’s feet actually went into every pocket of my casual attire. I don’t even know why and how she did that. I rushed off the chair and asked her what on earth was going on. She thought I stole her wallet. I realized that she was the third lady to have done that to me in that weird world. A few seconds later, the guy did the same thing – but he was using his hands. I just had to ask him why. His answer was similar to the lady’s – he thought I stole his wallet and I also realized he was the third guy (male) to have done the same thing to me.

I couldn’t stand it anymore and I had to explain it to him, “Hello mister, here’s what you need to know. Today, altogether, there were three ladies who thought I stole their wallets and they used their foot to sneak into my pockets. And there were three guys, including you, who thought I stole their wallets and they all used their hands. The point here is – Do I look like a thief to you?!”

He gave me the most perplexing answer I have ever heard, “Hey relax man.. do you know what that means?” “What?!”, I yelled softly to avoid other eyes from looking at me. He replied, “that means you’re the man.” “Hah??!” “Yeap..you’re the maaan!”

I don’t get it. “errr… I’m the man?” “Yup you are” “err what are you talking about? Errr ok whatever.. I’m the man!”.

Phase 5

I decided to get out of the place. On my way out there was this group of Chinese girls who went past me. I spontaneously raised my voice to them and yelled, “Hey girls! That guy over there *pointing out to the guy (he was even smiling)* told me that I’M THE MAN!~ Yup I’M THE MAN!~ thanks dude! You’re crazy. *Rolled my eyes*” . At this point, I started to get confused with everything and from this point forward, I ignored everything I heard from them. I could hear the sounds of “what??” many times. When I was already far away, one of the girls yelled “hey dude, merry Christmas!”. I did not answer, and I was not even looking at them. I simply frowned and kept walking. I could hear their voices discussing “hey he’s a muslim wah”. Seconds later, they all yelled “Assalamualaikum!!”. Oh my, I had to stop, took a glance, looked away and finally I knew something was going wrong with everything today.

On the far side of the building I saw my father just got out of the restaurant and entered his car. I decided to go home alone using my own car which suddenly appeared there. I don’t even know how it got there. I said to myself, “Weird day.. I’ll be seeing my sweetheart after this and I’ll have to tell her what happened.. because it is just a very weird day.” Just when I was about to text her that I was about to go home. Someone woke me up for sahur.

Good morning, class!

2010-04-20T19:55:00.008+08:00

I just entered the University 2 days ago. Yesterday I had a lot of fun at FASS. Today and tomorrow, it’s a whole different ball game.. at SHBIE.

The pressure has been added up when she who stood in front of the hall reminded us that we will all be role models in and outside of the field. In? Yes, I can understand that. But outside?

What have we got to say when a group of students recalls “I saw him at Gadong last night laughing non-stop with his friends like a maniac but today he’s a total hypocrite asking us to keep quiet the whole time.”

I did well in all three peer teaching practise (so I’ve been told by the lecturers – hope they weren't lying) but one thing to keep in mind is that those were only one-off teachings with at least 3 days of preparation for each class.. and I was just practising. See if I can bring it with me and keep up with it in the real field. I hope I might do just as well. Amin..

16 March 2010. 10AM. Loo's lecture.

The good thing is I believe that all this is mere paranoia.

At the same time, I never stop wondering why time flies very fast. Are we ready to step our feet on this professional setting? But seriously, why this paranoia? Is our youth the cause of it all?

All in all, I know it is customary for words and thoughts to haunt our minds at this point in time because in the end we all know they were only words and thoughts. We know the classroom is just a stage, and the teacher is the actor – so what’s the big deal? We’ve all been acting since the day we first breathed oxygen.

Adios~

P/S: I had a good time with you today Sayang ;)

My words of advice

2010-01-21T19:19:00.001+08:00

Join an acting class.. because that was just bad. :D

KK Trip. December 2009.

2009-12-20T22:15:00.007+08:00

KK Trip. December 2009.

Berhenti di sini apabila lampu merah :) LOL.

Ho Ho ho

Jump!

Sis and bro ;)

Majal!

Mt. Kinabalu

Wonderful valley.

With sista.

Kinabalu park. Bro and sis.

Gotta love this place.

OneBorneo.

Bye!

Beau Lotto

2009-10-21T10:42:00.002+08:00

Optical Illusions show how we see.

A scientific experiment on colours to show how our past experiences can make us see things and truth differently in the present.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf5otGNbkuc

Congrats

2009-10-04T19:30:00.005+08:00

Congratulations to my big sister Noralipah and the husband Md. Safri on their first baby! (01/10/2009)

2009-09-15T01:59:00.001+08:00

Arrived at 9pm. It's 3am at the moment and I'm still at Taurean as I am writing this. I was supposed to find at least a pinch of material for my Thursday Elgar's presentation, and.. I haven't got any. Cerita cerita cerita for 6 hours straight..sampai tarus sahur. Haha.. Four rounds of meal order.

Now packing to get back home, test punya pasal.. ceh..

day... made.

2009-09-03T14:05:00.000+08:00

tuesday

around 2.00pm

with many things roaming in my mind, wondering about the smallest things i need to get, up to the biggest things i need to do, a day with a bit of disappointment and joy, there was nothing beyond the norms, and there was nothing to expect.

i just got home, parked my car, turned off the car engine, took my bag from the passanger seat and got out of the car. it's a regular routine.

but would you ever expect.. ..in the middle of a darn hot day, a very little girl whom you don't have any idea who she was, to suddenly appear approaching you from around your car, her left hand holding a box of fireworks and her right hand holding out to you, seeming like requesting something. she didn't even mutter any words. her eyes were staring at mine so deep that i was turned completely speechless.

what should i do? i couldn't tell what she wanted. food? coins? a matchbox for her fireworks?...

was i given an immediate moral test after receiving my university allowance?

matches? even if i had one, i wouldn't easily choose to give it to her for a reason that sane human beings could tell.

coins? but she didn't seem to hand out her hand for that.

food? if only i had food with me, i'd happily give some to her.

my paranoia rose high in a fraction of a second, but... she can't be a part of a joke. she can't be a trap. her hand held still. eyes still staring and words kept unspoken.

i took a step closer, held out my hand to her. she politely grabbed it, pulled it slowly and politely to her face and the back of my hand made contact with her forehead --- she was making the 'salam'.

she immediately walked away. i stood there, astounded and wordless.

all that in one minute.

45mins have passed.. i'm still left speechless.

it made my day.

;)

-mann.

out of boredom

2009-08-27T04:14:00.000+08:00

i took a short break last night before finishing off a reading and somehow i remembered a handful of videos i had watched a few months back... i found them again and you shall start opening New Tabs in your browser. here they are:

1. Ballboy scores

2. Thanks to the ballboy

3. 2 goals in a minute

4. Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat/Bruno) interviews a terrorist

5. Pure art stunt

ramadhan

2009-08-21T20:09:00.000+08:00

:: selamat menyambut bulan ramadhan ::

puasa.. jangan nda puasa.

kalau ada yang nda puasa atu, ilangkan dulu bau megi kari dari mulut atu.. baru becakap sama urang..

assalamualaikum :)

2009-08-20T21:15:00.000+08:00

all hail Rafa!

bring them back to me

2009-08-18T21:00:00.000+08:00

faith..
strength..
armor..
and a place to stand on..

bring them back to me..

Sesungguhnya Engkaulah Maha Pemberi..

Stories.

2009-08-06T20:32:00.000+08:00

It was in my car, I can't surely remember but I think it was 4 of us. All four of us (me, Fadzil, Shahrul and Zulfadhli) went to the National Stadium to watch one of the games in the World Cup. The match was between Cameroon and.. I can't remember. Yeah, it was in Brunei and the Stadium was bigger than the one we have.

The ticket only cost, surprisingly, $10 per person. We arrived at the parking lot, and this one guy who looked like a Korean stopped us at the parking entrance. He put two cones in front of us and shouted "If your car manages to go past between these two cones, then you can watch the game." I thought we should just give it a shot. Zul was the driver, he said there was no way the car can go past the cones. Ridiculous. We tried to find another entrance to the parking lot. We found one and this time, an old lady were asking for the tickets. We told her we haven't bought them yet because we were planning to buy them in the stadium. What an old b*tch, she didn't let us in, instead she offered us cheap tickets ($2 each), that way she could let us in.

We agreed to the deal. And of course it was one heck of a deal. $2!!! The tickets were legitimate. And we didn't bother to wonder why it was very cheap. We got inside the stadium, the match already kicked off. We saw Alif, I chose to sit next to him and we played Blackjack together. What a weird time to play a card game.

sample photo. source nowpublic.com

A group of security guards approached us. We wondered what was going on but in the back of our heads, we knew it had got to do with the cheap tickets. And we were right. The guards ordered us to leave the stadium, but we insisted on staying. They played hard with us, but their big bodies didn't scare our egos. Instead, we beat them till they bled. People were watching us. We laughed as we made our way to the exit door. Samseng banar. Another group of security guards were following us, we had a runaway car ready, it was Fadzil's. "Laju masuk semua!", he yelled. We got in, we laughed with pride and managed to escape.

I opened my eyes, I realised I forgot to turn off the light in the beginning. I looked at the clock, it was 4am and I was feeling so fresh that I didn't need to go back to sleep, but I did.. because I wanted the story to continue. I turned off the light this time.

It was not what I expected. In fact, I found myself sitting at the front of a classroom full of primary school kids. I am not sure what I was doing there, for sure I was not a teacher, because there already was a teacher.. standing. One of the students got punished for not answering a question correctly. She turned out to be my classmate in UBD! Hahaha. The punishment was to go the front and sit next to me so that she could ask me what the answers to the series of incoming questions given to other students are.

Someone knocked the door, it was 5.30am. It was my dad, I asked him to wake me up at that exact time. I turned on the light, opened the door, said "awu pa..". He went away. I closed the door, turned off the light and took a short nap until 6.15am.

I got myself ready for a new day at UBD.

;)

hp6

2009-07-22T19:40:00.000+08:00

Harry Pothead 1 - 6, done!

Awaiting for Harry Pothead 7! (More magic! Yehaa!)

monday

2009-07-21T11:23:00.000+08:00

nothing much.. but here are a few things to share...

i saw this at a parking lot. not sure this is real or not.

a series of our national flag. according to the flag rules, they must not touch the ground. (as for the ones in the photo below, they better find a taller pole for each flag).

she likes me! hahaha

a complete Hj Mohamed's family (minus the in-laws).

shoooooooo!!

rawr

2009-07-19T13:41:00.000+08:00

the last dayssssss of holiday

2009-07-12T15:14:00.000+08:00

a few more weeks for uni.

i just don't know what to do. i'm completely blank, not even a single dust of idea.

the h1n1 virus is having fun in the brunei air. i always keep myself away from strangers everytime i go out. they get close to me, i will make sure i'm not standing next to them for more than 10 seconds. this makes it difficult in the cinema.. so.. no cineplex. bali dvd saja, liat di rumah.

i've been stuck on youtube recently and here are my recent favourite videos.

1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EDE3YFnAOw

:: a friend of mine sent me this link.

2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oy_Pp5M71g

:: i watched the original video some time early this year. i got the subbed version from Aspa's blog.

3) http://www.youtube.com/user/nqtv

:: watch all his videos. he's like the American "Jackass". only he's French, better, funny and comically genius. Watch ALL his videos. If you are a footie freak, you must watch the ones titled "Put it where you want it", "FOOT 2008" and "FOOT 2009".

and last but not least... a random picture. it's a new lighter. trying out something new using fire.

i'm currently watching this kids magic contest (Superkidz) on TPI. this kid is the #1 contender of the show, he's peforming classic card routines combined with multiple productions of drinks. a very nice long pantomime routine. last week he performed a verrry good one of a kind miser's dream routine (a.k.a production of items as many as he wants). the routine is usually done with coins or playing cards. but he did it with different type of foods and drinks.

anyway, have a good day people.

assalamualaikum.

as requested

2009-07-02T18:34:00.000+08:00

here you go fellaaaaaaaaaas! haha

FunFair & FundRaiser II

2009-06-09T01:12:00.000+08:00

Well well well, we had a good time. It started early in the morning and ended exactly at 5pm. One booth packed with two groups of vendors; (1) Flo (with students) & Rayna were selling their food and drinks and (2) Me and co. with a table for a close-up show.

The first hour was terrible for us (Me and co.), nada sambutan hangat. Thus, we moved the table next to Flo's so that we could be seen. Voila! The people kept coming and coming, we almost couldn't handle it!

Look up, kids!

From left to right: Voon, Jenice, Flo, Mughni, Mukmin, Rafael, myself, Don and Zuki.

Names in bold are Rahman The Great Illusionist and Co. <--- As referred by Flo.

Late in the afternoon, Azim, Nazmo and one more guy (I don't know his name) also came to join us. Thanks for dropping by, fellas!

FunFair & FundRaiser

2009-06-06T13:35:00.000+08:00

A snapshot from Florance's blog:

2009-04-29T11:47:00.000+08:00

okay, my friends have uploaded their pictures taken when they were babies and very young.

my turn.

.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.

...

....

.....

......

.......

........

.........

..........

.........

........

.......

......

.....

....

...

i didn't say i was gonna post my pictures. i'll post mine soon ;)

wth.

2009-04-20T20:23:00.000+08:00

i am pretty much annoyed by this 4wd car you see on your way out to the University's main entrance. whose car is that? and WHY is it parked there? WHY is it parked at a selekoh?

okay, the car may be "k.o" but can't the owner even use his brain a little bit? move it somewhere else for the sake of other drivers' convenience! it doesn't even look like it will take too much effort to push the car to the newly-built building!

i nearly got myself crashed into it this afternoon. i'm grateful there was no other car right next to me on the other lane, otherwise... fuh.

who is more clever?

2009-03-03T14:54:00.000+08:00

one night 4 college students were playing till late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

in the morning they thought of a plan. they then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

so the dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. they thanked him and said they will be ready by that time. on the third day they appeared before the dean. the dean said that as this was a special condition test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.

they all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

the test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 marks.

Q1. Your Name………………… (2 marks)

Q2. Which tyre burst?............(98 marks)

a) Front Left

b) Front Right

c) Back Left

d) Back Right

;)

kool sunday

2009-02-22T18:41:00.000+08:00

earlier today i went to attend this:

i was partly involved in the magic show. it wasn't something really big. there were no stages, no smokes, no mirrors. just people.. and us with a big table, one close-up mat and different kinds of close-up props underneath. everything was casual, simple, relaxing and fun. what a good time for bruneian performers to meet up and show off their skills to one another. we had lots of fun with different kinds of audience. although they had to pay to watch the art of sleight of hand, the money will all go to the charity. it's for a good cause, so no harm was done ;)

thanks to all the performers who came...

.myself

.akmal (mr. prop-making expert)

.aman (ubd talent show 2008 winner)

.azim "coin"

.azim Madison

."blackdevil" (sorry dude, i haven't got the chance to know your real name.. yet.. haha)

.fiez "flourish"

.kyo

.muddy (owner of Misfits Entertainment House, Tutong)

.mughni (10 years of experience in the art)

.mukmin (my old pal)

.nadzri

.nazmo (yes... it's him)

.and a few whose names i don't know.

see you all next time!

fundraising walk

2009-02-11T20:49:00.001+08:00

To all volunteers for the 'Fundraising Walk for The Polar Girls'..

1) I doubt there will be another meeting about the event. But don't worry, if I receive any news about it, I will immediately text each of you letting you guys know.

2) As for our "uniform" during the event, this text from one of the BARA guys would sum it up: "We are currently tryin to get shirts for our volunteers. But in case of unforseen circumstance the default is a red tshirt for all volunteers". I've also heard second-hand from a source that, instead of red, the default is white T-shirts.
2) "To all volunteers: plz take note. U all r to wear white tshirts this SUN,15/2@Stadium,6am. Just in case, if u donot happen to have any white tshirts. Try buying@Giordano, $6.90 only. Thank u -BARA"

3) As for our tasks, I know we will have to be separated, we can't create a swarm of volunteers at one place. The main reason for recruiting more volunteers is to fill up the slots that are still empty.

There are still many questions that need answering, I'll be meeting the BARA guys on Friday so if any of you "kan bekirim soalan".. just text me, send me an e-mail or drop a comment.

Chyaaaaaaaaa!!

the friendster virus

2009-01-15T17:53:00.000+08:00

i think facebook has been starting to suffer from the friendster virus. below is a tip of the iceberg.

off the coast

2009-01-10T19:07:00.000+08:00

some day at the end of december 2008.

arrival

reminds me a lot of the Malaysian movie "Duyung"

Pijah. chilling.

the sea.

the "kitchen" (atap biru) and an "apartment" being built.

"fish farm".

an "apartment" being built for those wanting for a sleepover.

ikan buntal.

red fish.

Pijah. astonished. by a coin trick.

lalala...

someone else's.

having fun.

going back to Muara.

tanjung pelumpong. the two ends used to be connected.

arrived safely at Muara/Serasa. not sure.

we hung out about 2 hours. could've stayed longer if we were prepared.

the good ol' days

2008-12-26T09:16:00.000+08:00

the first wawasan club (maktab duli) trip.

to ogdc, seria.

date: 2005.

what are we doing in the pictures? posing with our newspaper-made oilrig.

;)

my friend's wedding

2008-12-21T22:41:00.000+08:00

21/dec/2008. it has to be a date to remember for the couple ;) selamat pengantin baru to khairul & mawar. semoga berbahagia sehingga ke akhir hayat.

here are photos i stole from azman.

in the groom's.

di rumah pengantin laki.

main topic masa becerita:

"kau bila kawin?". got many dumb answers. malas ku masukkan ke sini. ;)

di rumah pengantin perempuan. sesi yang ada bepusing-pusing.

di rumah pengantin perempuan. ada kawanku yang sorang atu "can't keep his eyes off of these two.." woooo!! hahaha!!

azim, rahman, mitz and azman.

selamat pengantin baru.

walauapapun, kau tetap menjadi goalkeeper kami. hehh..

go! pokeball!

2008-12-16T11:58:00.000+08:00

aidiladha

2008-12-08T09:52:00.000+08:00

selamat hari raya aidiladha.

first ever

2008-11-30T14:42:00.000+08:00

I just ate 16 kuih mur.

Now I have iced Milo next to me.

Lecture notes all over the floor.

Finish them in a day, I am so ready.

The internet connection has been slow.

I have been very patient.

If it continues to go slow.

I for sure will complain.

I wrote this poem.

A poem of boredom.

I am pretty darn bored.

I want to play in the roundabout.

What am I talking about?

Sit back and relax.

But I feel want to shout.

Or just get me an axe.

Last time I saw a goat.

I know I don't have so much time.

Eh, does this poem make sense or not?

Who cares, because it has a rhyme!

:) -Rahman (2008).

modern day suicide

2008-11-21T15:51:00.000+08:00

a 19-year-old teen committed suicide live on webcam.

read:

1. http://blog.wired.com/27bstroke6/2008/11/teen-kills-self.html

2. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article5203176.ece

lazy? here's a short review of what happened (copied and pasted verbatim from a user named "DaveV" in an internet forum):

CandyJunkie posts the amount of drugs he's going to take
Mod[erator]s don't take it seriously
People egg him on
CandyJunkie posts a copied suicide note
People keep egging him on
He pops the pills and goes to sleep
He breathes for a few hours, people think he's going to be alright and keep joking and trash talking on his JTV log.
Some time later many people realize he was not moving.
Personal details posted on Misc. by a concerned misc. request people to call the cops.
People tell me he's a troll and nobody calls. Staberella especially is quite a huge cynic and says that he wasn't going to die on that kind of drugs, she insists nothing is going to happen and that people should just gtfo of the thread.
Miami Police called, the people there do not take the case seriously and tell to call the sheriff of his county, and give me the sheriff's number.
post the sheriff's number on the Misc. thread
jjlee138 calls the Broward County Sheriff's office and speaks to them about the situation along with a couple of other people. By the time I called, it turns out 3 people had already called them about it.
People wait for the cops to bust in on the JTV cam.
Some people start thinking nobody called the cops, at least 5 more people call the cops, they were told the cops were on it
25 minutes after the first call to the cops, the cops bust in. They cover the webcam
People speculating whether he's dead or not
At this point of time a lot of people start deleting/editing their posts everywhere.
Friends post messages on his myspace worried about him, no response from him.
His best friend posts a thread on the Misc. and informs the people that he's dead.
Some people still think its a bluff"

-End-

The end of the video. A must watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ftF41Vo0HY

His suicide note:

candyjunkie wrote:

Ask a guy who is gonna OD (again) tonight anything
To Whom It May Concern,
I am going to leave this for whoever stumbles across my bookmarks later on.
I hate myself and I hate living. I think that if someone who knows me
reads this they will know who I am. So I will leave this unsigned. I am
an a@#hole. I have let everyone down and I feel as though I will never
change or never improve. I am in love with a girl and I know that I am
not good enough for her. I have come
to believe that my life has all been meaningless. I keep trying and I
keep failing. I have thought about and attempted suicide many times in
the past. I used to think of my failure as some mystical way of telling
me that I was really meant for something meaningful. The only thing I
dread, besides the pain, is the way my family will suffer. I do not want
my mother or father to think that it was anything they did that lead me
to kill myself. I never really had any plans of leaving a note. I
thought that I would not be able to describe why I want to do this and I
am right. There is no way to tell you or anyone else why I dread every
new day. My father had such high expectations for me and tried to give
me every opportunity to improve upon myself. I let him down. I think
that I am a major disappointment to him. I have a job but I?m always broke
and I am in college but barely, I show up to class but that?s about it.
I want my life to end. I am tired of f@#$ing up everything. I
am tired of people always telling me that they do not like me. I am
tired of trying to be decent. I hope that someone finds this post and I
hope that my parents know that I f@#$ed up not them. It is my fault I
screwed up my own life.
The hate that rages within me, rages not for those I love so dearly or
those who have crossed my path.
This hate rages full force towards me and only me.
I have long forgiven those who've hurt me, but I have not and cannot
come to terms to forgive myself for the things I have done to myself, and
the things I've done to hurt those in my life.
You have all touched my life in one way or another,
especially those whom I call family.
I cannot tell you how sorry I am for ending my life the way I did. I
hope that you can all find it in your heart to see it as way for me not
suffering anymore and that I am finally at rest with myself, for being at
rest with the guilt that constantly ate at me for so long.
Please forgive me all for taking my own life so early. I tried so hard
to fight against this strong battle. I have reached out for help so many
times, and yet I believe, I was turned away because of the things I did,
that it is a punishment I am willing to take, for I know that being who I am
has only brought myself and others pain.
I love you all and will forever live within the memories we created.
Forgive me.
Love always and forever,
As for my signature I will leave you with a quote so that if anyone
reads this they will know it's me, "Can?t feel pain if your dead? Just Saying"

Below is the picture of him with his girlfriend (and their son).

Suicide. A permanent solution for a temporary problem.

Bad, bad, bad.

make it bright

2008-11-18T21:51:00.000+08:00

feeling sad? disappointed? miserable?

don't commit suicide.

think of the things that's gonna happen in the future that you think will make you smile.

look forward to it. you'll feel a lot better.

make it bright.

anomaly

2008-11-16T20:52:00.000+08:00

i was on the roadside, waiting in the car.
while my parents were at the tamu.
i had to stay in the car. no parking space, i'd got to wait and stay.
i looked outside the windows. i saw different faces and races.
i waited while scribbling down ideas for my assignment on a piece of paper.
i looked up to the front.
i saw a white guy.
he looked like danish or swedish.
i didn't care, he's basically white.
he was in a very cool expensive attire. at least it looked expensive.
he was cleaning a car with a family inside.
he had a polisher in his left hand, a cloth in his right.
"did somebody steal his stuffs that he had to do this?"
or "is this some kind of hidden camera show?"
or "is he promoting the polisher?"

kinda weird. i decided to stop him if he went pass my car and ask what really happened. it's kinda rare. so, i had the right to do so. :D
i wish i had the time to take a picture of that moment and have u look at it.

i can have you visualize how he looked like though.

his hair looked like Morgan's. Morgan is the white guy in the picture. but Morgan's younger than the one i saw.

he was wearing the same exact outfit as Marco Tempest is wearing. Marco is the white guy in the picture. the guy i saw looked like he's around Marco's age, a bit younger though.

well, just to point out what i saw this morning.

p/s: he really did a good job. he made the car, really, really clean and shiny.

bitter taste

2008-11-15T23:23:00.000+08:00

i was having my Honey Sauce Chicken Chop.
i was full, so i stopped eating.
it was about 4 spoons away to get the plate cleared up.
then i chattered with my friend, we chattered and chattered.
there was nothing left in my mouth except the bits of Milo I had.
when you talk, you open your mouth.
so i opened my mouth, to talk.
suddenly i felt something, it felt like it was going out from the inner part of my mouth onto my tongue.
usually you'd simply swallow it, right?
luckily i didn't, because i had an immediate feeling that it dropped from thin air.
so.
i spat it out of my mouth onto the plate.

i saw a bug.

no wonder it didn't taste that nice.

p/s: talk safely.

hidden

2008-11-14T19:02:00.000+08:00

we find things a lot faster when are looking for it.

we find things a lot faster when we are not looking for it.

?

underrated passion

2008-11-14T19:01:00.002+08:00

i love books. i just can't afford the time to read them.

what about you?

random post

2008-11-07T19:48:00.000+08:00

time

2008-10-30T21:44:00.000+08:00

what's the first thing you do when you wake up?

risky earth

2008-10-30T12:11:00.000+08:00

i was just reading about the death of Marc Vivian Foe, a well-known football player who collapsed during a football game and was later found unable to be resuscitated. it’s an outdated story though, but the reason i brought this up is because the irony that occurred. By common sense, an active athlete who was practising everyday to develop his strength and fitness should be able to increase his lifespan more than an average person normally has. but sometimes things happen the other way round. surely the world has so much to offer but there’s always a catch that we aren’t able to see.

marc vivian foe.

the point here is how and where can we find the safest place in this world? it’s not only limited to physical places but the ones you’re in at the moment, are you sure you’re on the right track on your way to success? are you sure you’ve made the right decision? are you sure what you are doing is right? are you sure you are always safe? we might be thinking that we have less than 1% chance of getting an accident. it doesn’t matter if it’s on the road, at home or anyplace else. we think we’re always careful and will never experience bad occurrences like the ones we see on tv or forwarded emails. but hey, we can drive safely but there’s always a chance that other drivers might send you flying. we can go to the gym and work out but we’ve heard news of gym goers died of too much exercise. so, how?

it creates a dilemma. but would we choose to stay at home and do nothing just to protect ourselves? no, it’s boring and unproductive. even if we do, we are still at risk – our houses might collapse or we might get hospitalized for eating too much nice foods. we never know. if this gets you thinking, let’s look at the bright side of this difficulty. enjoy every second of your life. we are always at risk, so be it. take it as a challenge we can get pleasure from.

let’s get something to eat. :)

perfect practice

2008-10-28T22:08:00.000+08:00

here's a little writing from me inspired by an infamous magician. read it and you might wanna apply it to your daily lives.

practising can get boring in time. at first everything seems to be interesting and exciting as we get better at something we want to achieve.

there are many reasons to it. it could be that we are doing something that someone's not doing so that we are able to expose our expertise and talent to people. it could also be the feeling that we are one step ahead of everyone else. it could also be anything. whatever they are, every reason will not be able to impede ourselves from entering the realm of boredom. it happens. always.

it's not that practising is boring. it's just the fact that we are doing the same thing over and over again that makes it one. once we reach about 75% good at something, we'd stop. and we'd start using a phrase like "good enough". but at some point in time, we do realize that we are not satisfied. even if we do. it's a fake one. it's a true satisfaction that we want, which gets us stop floating in between certainty and uncertainty.

it's the most successful individuals or experts or bosses who take it all the way through the final 25%.

if you haven't got what I mean already, this is it: the main reason we get bored is we don't consider our flaws. we keep practising the same way. we see very little difference. we see no point in continuing. it's boring!

we get stuck evaluating ourselves from 0-75 scale instead of pushing ourselves into the 75-100 scale. the latter contains flaws that need fixing. find them, fix them, it's like we are practising something new, which gets us interested and excited, again. once we're done. we thought we were just doing something new, which in fact it's the same thing we're working on. once we wake up, there will be a nice feeling waiting for you - with one big difference - true satisfaction.

good night, fellas.

a busy week

2008-10-26T22:22:00.000+08:00

it has been a busy week and now i already feel like i am on a holiday.

there will be no sociolinguistic lecture and tutorial next week. the lecture's gonna be tomorrow (monday) morning. early in the morning.

there should be no monday blues for me. it's been a tiring month though. what i meant was that i was given a month to finish my sociolinguistic assignment. really, i was very tired. i spent the whole month doing the assignment. i even joined a conference on the topic sapir-whorf hypothesis/linguistic relativity held by my colleagues. that's how good i am. i am proud of myself. i borrowed lots of books in advance, the early bird catches the worm. i could see 1st-year undergraduates cluelessly standing in front of the book-machine, trying to figure out how to use it without any mistake. every hour i analysed thoroughly every book i had just to avoid missing subtle details that could enrich the content of my essay. i re-typed my draft. and.. done.

edward sapir.

reality:

i still have another class every monday morning.

it's not been a tiring month. i enjoyed my raya.

i finished my assignment within a day.

i didn't join the conference.

i'm not that good.

am i proud of myself? i don't know.

the last person to go to the library. i went there on a friday morning before i started typing.

all paramount books were already checked out. i was too.. tooo late.

that was me, a 2nd-year undergraduate borrowing books. for the first time.

i didn't analyse the books thoroughly.

i didn't analyse all of them.

i didn't do my draft. i went straight to the final draft.

and.. heck, i am still done.

benjamin lee whorf.

ahh.. names of the week: edward sapir and benjamin lee whorf. till we meet again, sirrrrrr!

you might wanna check out rayna's post on what i mean by names of the week.

see ya.

19th october

2008-10-19T16:02:00.000+08:00

everyone familiar with 13th Friday? i've got a new one that 'works' on me pretty well so far - 19th october that is. a little bit superstitious, i know but i just had the feel to post it.

i don’t know what has been going on. from the moment i opened my eyes until noon, seven unfavourable things happened to me. from noon until at the time of typing this, i've received another two - both involving breaking things.

what comes next? i am yet to know.

maybe i am just a bit too analytical today. never stopped searching for bad things that’d happen instead of finding good and lovely phenomena. well, what’s the point, not a single dust of goodness showed up though. oh, maybe tonight? maybe not.

hello, world.

-better luck next time-